I’m All Ears: Listening Vs. Hearing
Are you a listener? Do you give your full attention to someone when they’re talking? No? It’s okay because most of us don’t.
We’re all guilty of cutting someone off or taking over a conversation, especially when it’s something we disagree with. And we seldom put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. We really don’t see that we come to each other because we need that person to stop and listen, not hear.
Listening vs Hearing
So, you’re probably thinking that there’s no difference between listening to someone and hearing them. Well, there most definitely is. While many of us say that we’re “listening,” in fact, we’re actually hearing the person.
And that’s because while someone is talking, your mind is thinking of your response to what they’re saying. Therefore, you don’t quite hear the majority of the words spoken. Now, this doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It simply means that you’re conditioned to hear this way.
When you’re listening to someone talk, you’re conditioned to wait for that moment where you can interject in the conversation with your own point even when it’s not considered the right moment. This is what is called hearing.
Now the difference, between the two is when you’re listening, you’re tuned in to what the other person is saying. There’s little to no thinking in your mind of what you’re going to respond with because you’re focused on them and what they have to say.
You may find that you interject less in the conversation. And your response may come after they’re done speaking or at points where they’re looking for a response.
Now, what does it take to be a good listener?
Being a good listener is not easy. Some are practically born good listeners while others may find it difficult. However, this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to never listen. It just means that you’ll need some practice.
As quiet and reserved as I am now when I was a teenager of course I didn’t want to listen to anything. Like most teenagers, I knew it all and no one could tell me anything. And that continued for some years. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to listen to those around me. it was more of the idea that I knew my way of thinking and like most, it was the only way. So, I had to project that in every conversation I had.
It wasn’t until my late twenties and some time in therapy that I practiced how to become a better listener. That meant even if I disagreed right away with what was said, I had to hear what the other person saying before making a conscious response.
I began to see others’ points of view and I also learned more. It’s what made me an even stronger observer. We’re so strong on our point of view of the world because of our experiences that we miss experiencing the views that are different and some that are in need of being heard.
What you don’t realize is that being a better listener helps you to be better at understanding and helping others, believe it or not.
So here are 4 practices that could help you become a better listener
1. Put your agenda aside and just listen
When we go into conversations, no matter the topic, we’re already set with an agenda ready to go. Our agendas are usually those stored thoughts that are ready for any topic. To be a better listener, sometimes it takes putting that agenda aside to hear a different approach to the same topic.
Start off by going into the conversation with your agenda to the back of your mind. By suppressing it, for the time being, you’re able to hear what the other has to say with a much clearer understanding of where they’re coming from.
2. Think of listening as a learning tool
Until the day you die, you’ll always be learning. Listening is a form of learning because you’re hearing the approach of a topic from a different angle or for the first time. You’re not only listening to what is said but you’re taking away a form of knowledge from the other person.
By seeing the conversation as a learning session, you’ll begin to take a step back from wanting to respond and instead want to learn from what is said. Even during those simple interactions, you learn what someone else’s point of view is.
3. Keep track of how many times you talk compared to your listening
If you find yourself talking more than listening, then you’re probably not really hearing what is being said. The less you find yourself talking while someone is trying to put their point across, the more you’ll find yourself fully understanding the conversation you’re having.
Try keeping a mental note of how many times you find yourself responding within the conversation. Unless it’s a scheduled debate, you’ll want to see the many times you speak out to go down.
4. Ask questions to find out more
Something like a serious conversation may need you to ask a few questions to keep the conversation going. By asking questions, it shows the other person that you’re actually listening to what they have to say. It also gives you the opportunity to engage with your own thoughts on the topic.
Why listening to others has become less of a trait
The more society advances, being able to listen to others has become less. We are stuck in our ways. And now instead of listening to all sides, we’re so dead set on pushing our points across that a simple conversation can turn into an angry argument.
Case in point, in a simple conversation I had a few weeks ago with my upstairs neighbor the noise levels turned into a heated shouting match. We’d rather be right in every situation that we’re unable to detach ourselves from our inner agendas. And common sense continues to be an extinct human trait.
If more of us took the time to listen, we could see that we have a lot more in common and could help each other through life’s demanding situations better. Compromise and compassion could be on the rise and ideologies of the past could stay where they should be….in the past.
Now, are you listening?
